Something Borrowed - Something New

I read a recent article on line about bloggers using their blogs to help them lose weight. So I'm going to borrow a page from them and try something new for me.

Most people I know understand that I am not happy with my weight, but they may not understand how I've struggled with it my entire life. At graduation I was about 30lbs overweight.

When I went to college I was very active - exercising at school and going out dancing every night. Small meals partially due to not spending the money on food, partially because I just didn't take the time and really didn't need to eat a lot of food. During that time I lost 35lbs - when I went home for my first visit after 3 months I had to buy all new clothes because nothing fit me anymore. I weighed 123lbs. And was really happy with my weight for the first time I can ever remember, I wore a size 8.

After I had my first baby I still was a size 10-12...still active and was still happy with my weight. I was still active and my weight stayed fairly steady- it went up a little but not so much I even really noticed it. But then I had 2 more babies in rapid succession, was no longer active and had to make sure I prepared full meals everyday so that Jeff and the kids were all fed. And if they were fed - so was I.

It's never been what I eat - or how much, as much as the fact I don't get enough exercise. I friend of mine who is also overweight went to lunch with me at a former job. Finally one day she looked at me and told me she was throwing me out of the Fat Ladies Club because I had no business being overweight with as little as I actually ate.

Now in the intrest of being honest with myself - and also anyone reading this - I have a terrible sweet tooth. I have convinced myself on more than one occasion that if I'm going to eat 250 calories - it may as well be a snickers bar instead of lunch...or a few cookies have as many calories as a sandwich and are tastier. Or like last night when instead of dinner - I talked Jeff into ice cream. (It was late and it was really yummy ice cream though).

So my 250lb self is now being totally honest and trying to reduce myself. I know it's not going to be easy - I've had way too much stress in my life lately and it's way to easy to just eat a cookie to deal with it instead of go for a walk. But I'm trying.

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Hello? Is this thing on? :)

Psychedelic 45

Well yesterday was it – my 45th birthday.

I woke up early after a night of not so much sleep…tossed and turned much of the night. Jeff wished me a happy birthday, I said a quick prayer of thanks to my mom for my birth. And got out of bed to start the day.

My wonderful hubby had something planned for me which he had been teasing me about for weeks, but wouldn’t tell me what it was. So I decided to let it go and just get through the work day and find out that evening.

A woman I work with had her birthday the day before mine so our boss took the team out for lunch to celebrate. We went to First Watch and had a very yummy and somewhat healthy lunch. Although one of the others complained because too much healthy stuff was on the menu. OMG – she actually complained because while yeah they have a buffalo chicken wrap – they ruin it by using a whole wheat tortilla. She ordered the one burger on the menu and complained because of the whole wheat bun it was served on. Oh well you can’t please everyone. I had a wonderful omlette and really enjoyed the time. When we came back to work we had a huge chocolate chip cookie cake to celebrate.

Throughout the day I received many many texts and Facebook messages wishing me a Happy Birthday! It was really nice to realize how many wonderful friends I have. But as the day went on – I realized the Jeff had shared with several of my friends exactly what he had planned…and I know this will come as a shock but I’m a little bit of a control freak. So it was killing me that people knew what was going on and I didn’t. ARGH! I tweeted that Jeff was being mean to me, he saw it and told me to quit whining.

I left work an hour early in order to accommodate whatever Jeff had planned for the evening. He picked me up at work at 4PM and we took off for my magical birthday evening. We went to dinner at Brio where I had a great meal of Garanelli Carbonara, along with a glass of Chardonnay. YUM!!! After dinner we went to Bar Louie’s and met friends for happy hour, which was really fun (so was the shot of Patron Silver!). Then it was Sephora to get my free birthday gift and a couple of other things.

I was then informed that we were on a slight schedule – so it was off to the car and driving to downtown again. My birthday surprise was tickets to see Wonderland! I was really happy for this – I had wanted to see the show but didn’t think we would be able to go so I hadn’t mention it to Jeff. I’m glad he knows me so well. The show was GREAT!!!! It opens on Broadway this spring and I hope to get to see it there sometime too.

After the show was over we went to see Sprinkles – (her birthday is today btw!) she had made me a psychedelic birthday cake…it was sooooo good. We enjoyed some time with her – told her about the day and then realizing it was getting really late and I had to be up for work this morning, so it was off to home and straight to bed.

Time wounds all heals?

One thing I have learned is that life moves on...whether you want it to or not. I've been looking back at 2010 and it's been a tough year. I will not fall into the the trap of saying that 2011 has to be better because there is nothing that fate likes better than a challenge. A few highlights/lowlights of this year:

January started with me still out of work and spending a week with my sister from another mister while she underwent life changing/saving surgery. I'm sure we were different from the normal patients they have there...there's not much that this duo of divas can't find to laugh at. In a conscious decision Sprinkles had decided NOT to let this affect her normal self. A decision I completely agreed with...

February I finally became employed again...a job I like, company I like, making 1/3 of what I used to make...welcome to the new economy.

Spring and Summer progressed fairly normally - got back into the swing of working everyday...helped Sprinkles as I could with Chemo side effects, wish I could have done more. My daughter went to spend her summer off from college with her grandparents instead of coming home, she wanted to spend some time with them.

In August I flew up to spend a few days with them (my parents and my daughter) and had a wonderful time. And if you have read any of my other entries you know that very shortly I would lose mom to her COPD.

But as hard as this year was, some good things happened too...I met some great people at my job, several friends are expecting babies in the new year...spent some really nice time with family and friends. I have found an infinite amount of love coming my way from the people around me.

Christmas will be here very soon and while I know I will miss my mom, I know she wouldn't want us to dwell on it. I love her and she knows that. So I'm hoping for a happy holiday with family and friends. So far it's looking pretty good... :)

sigh

too many people I love are in pain...lets all just take a chair and watch the world go by.








Love you people.

Connie Price

On Friday the 15th I spoke with my mom on the phone – we talked about how she was glad to be home from the hospital, she said she was actually feeling good, better than she had in a long time. This conversation was good and made me think we had some time left before she would need to go back to the hospital again. It made me okay with travelling to New Orleans for the weekend where we were meeting my in-laws. They had been on a cruise and needed us to meet them and trade cars with them. We left about 9:30PM Friday night and got into New Orleans about 8:30AM Saturday morning. We got out of the car to walk around the Garden district when my phone rang. I looked at it and saw it was my dad’s cell phone…

Connie Rae Price, age 65, of Bussey, passed away Saturday, October 16, 2010, at Pella Regional Health Center in Pella.
Connie was born on July 17, 1945, in Albia to Irene Little. Connie was raised by her mother and step-father Louis Glasford. She attended and graduated from the Twin Cedars High School, class of 1963. After school Connie married John Price on July 10, 1964 at John’s brother’s house in Bussey. They shared 46 years of marriage before Connie’s passing.
Connie was a homemaker all of her life. She attended Community Regular Baptist Church in Bussey. She enjoyed crafts, sewing, painting, cooking, and spending time with family and friends.
Connie is survived by her husband, John Price of Bussey; her children, Tawnyia (Jeff) Svajdlenka of Tampa, FL., Michelle (Jay) Svajdlenka of Tampa, FL., and Allen (Josie) Collins of Knoxville; and 8 grandchildren. Connie is also survived by 1 brother Jerry DeMarce and 1 sister Joan Rutledge.
Connie is preceded in death by her parents, Louis and Irene Glasford; and one sister, Cherri Hancock.
In lieu of flowers a memorial has been established to the family or to Community Regular Baptist Church in Bussey.

My mom compressed down to 192 words – I want to scream and cry that she was so much more than those words…how she had a heart whose capacity for love knew no bounds, she loved the unlovable – cared for those who could not or would not care for themselves. My mom gave all she had, she suffered so others didn’t have to. She taught me so much – how to take care of a house and make it a home. How to take a little bit of food and make it a wonderful meal – her knowledge was boundless even though she would laughingly say she wasn’t the smartest person on the planet.

I can’t say I didn’t have disagreements with my mom – I did. We aren’t a stepford family - just a normal one. I’ve spent the last week helping to make arrangements, attended a service, hugged over a hundred people, made small talk and agreed with everyone that “yes it’s good she’s not suffering anymore” But in my heart I know I’m selfish – I want her back…I want to laugh with her, cry with her, hug her, argue with her and just sit watching TV with her.

Jeff has meant so much to me this week – just silently being there for me – letting me be me, the me who had to go make funeral arrangements, pick out music, pick out flowers, help write an obituary. I don’t think I could do all this without his support behind me. My children adding their support in to help. I love them all so much and hope I give them as much as they give me. My friends sending me their messages of love and support. I want to hold and thank them all.

Watching my dad this week has been heartbreaking – my parents had 46 years together – at their 40th anniversary they had their church wedding – they did this at 40 because my mom didn’t think she would make it to 50. I guess she was right……….. But Dad has been strong holding himself together most of the time. He had his moments but then so did we all. The worst moment for me was during a video that was made of mom and dad for their wedding – Mom and I recorded a song I had written for my dad during Desert Storm, we (dad and I) didn’t realize that this had been added to the original video. So while watching pictures of my parent’s lives drift across the screen out of nowhere my mom’s voice blended with mine in song. My dad looked at me and I realized what I was hearing - That was my worst moment so far – I’m sure there will be a lot of worst moments moving forward but that one was bad.


Good night mom – I love you.

The Next Place

I read this book in the chapel of the hospital while we were visiting with my mom. The pictures in the book were beautiful, but the sentiment is what really touched me. I think everyone should own a copy of this book.




The Next Place By Warren Hanson



The next place that I go

Will be as peaceful and familiar

As a sleepy summer Sunday

And a sweet, untroubled mind.

And yet . . .

It won't be anything like any place I've ever been. . .

Or seen. . . or even dreamed of

In the place I leave behind.

I won't know where I'm going,

And I won't know where I've been

As I tumble through the always

And look back toward the when.

I'll glide beyond the rainbows.

I'll drift above the sky.

I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.

I won't remember getting there.

Somehow I'll just arrive.

But I'll know that I belong there

And will feel much more alive

Than I have ever felt before.

I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto

That were holding onto me.

The next place that I go

Will be so quiet and so still

That the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill

The listening sky with joyful silence,

And with unheard harmonies

Of music made by no one playing,

Like a hush upon breeze.

There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light,

Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.

The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun

And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.

The next place that I go Won't really be a place at all.

There won't be any seasons --

Winter, summer, spring or fall --

Nor a Monday, Nor a Friday,

Nor December, Nor July.

And the seconds will be standing still. . .

While hours hurry by.

I will not be a boy or girl,

A woman or man.

I'll simply be just, simply, me.

No worse or better than.

My skin will not be dark or light.

I won't be fat or tall.

The body I once lived in

Won't be part of me at all.

I will finally be perfect.

I will be without a flaw.

I will never make one more mistake,

Or break the smallest law.

And the me that was impatient,

Or was angry, or unkind,

Will simply be a memory.

The me I left behind.

I will travel empty-handed.

There is not a single thing

I have collected in my life

That I would ever want to bring Except. . .

The love of those who loved me

,And the warmth of those who cared.

The happiness and memories

And magic that we shared.

Though I will know the joy of solitude. . .

I'll never be alone.

I'll be embraced

By all the family and friends I've ever known.

Although I might not see their faces,

All our hearts will beat as one,

And the circle of our spirits

Will shine brighter than the sun.

I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find,

All love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.

All these good things will go with me.

They will make my spirit glow.

And that light will shine forever In the next place that I go.