Time wounds all heals?

One thing I have learned is that life moves on...whether you want it to or not. I've been looking back at 2010 and it's been a tough year. I will not fall into the the trap of saying that 2011 has to be better because there is nothing that fate likes better than a challenge. A few highlights/lowlights of this year:

January started with me still out of work and spending a week with my sister from another mister while she underwent life changing/saving surgery. I'm sure we were different from the normal patients they have there...there's not much that this duo of divas can't find to laugh at. In a conscious decision Sprinkles had decided NOT to let this affect her normal self. A decision I completely agreed with...

February I finally became employed again...a job I like, company I like, making 1/3 of what I used to make...welcome to the new economy.

Spring and Summer progressed fairly normally - got back into the swing of working everyday...helped Sprinkles as I could with Chemo side effects, wish I could have done more. My daughter went to spend her summer off from college with her grandparents instead of coming home, she wanted to spend some time with them.

In August I flew up to spend a few days with them (my parents and my daughter) and had a wonderful time. And if you have read any of my other entries you know that very shortly I would lose mom to her COPD.

But as hard as this year was, some good things happened too...I met some great people at my job, several friends are expecting babies in the new year...spent some really nice time with family and friends. I have found an infinite amount of love coming my way from the people around me.

Christmas will be here very soon and while I know I will miss my mom, I know she wouldn't want us to dwell on it. I love her and she knows that. So I'm hoping for a happy holiday with family and friends. So far it's looking pretty good... :)

sigh

too many people I love are in pain...lets all just take a chair and watch the world go by.








Love you people.

Connie Price

On Friday the 15th I spoke with my mom on the phone – we talked about how she was glad to be home from the hospital, she said she was actually feeling good, better than she had in a long time. This conversation was good and made me think we had some time left before she would need to go back to the hospital again. It made me okay with travelling to New Orleans for the weekend where we were meeting my in-laws. They had been on a cruise and needed us to meet them and trade cars with them. We left about 9:30PM Friday night and got into New Orleans about 8:30AM Saturday morning. We got out of the car to walk around the Garden district when my phone rang. I looked at it and saw it was my dad’s cell phone…

Connie Rae Price, age 65, of Bussey, passed away Saturday, October 16, 2010, at Pella Regional Health Center in Pella.
Connie was born on July 17, 1945, in Albia to Irene Little. Connie was raised by her mother and step-father Louis Glasford. She attended and graduated from the Twin Cedars High School, class of 1963. After school Connie married John Price on July 10, 1964 at John’s brother’s house in Bussey. They shared 46 years of marriage before Connie’s passing.
Connie was a homemaker all of her life. She attended Community Regular Baptist Church in Bussey. She enjoyed crafts, sewing, painting, cooking, and spending time with family and friends.
Connie is survived by her husband, John Price of Bussey; her children, Tawnyia (Jeff) Svajdlenka of Tampa, FL., Michelle (Jay) Svajdlenka of Tampa, FL., and Allen (Josie) Collins of Knoxville; and 8 grandchildren. Connie is also survived by 1 brother Jerry DeMarce and 1 sister Joan Rutledge.
Connie is preceded in death by her parents, Louis and Irene Glasford; and one sister, Cherri Hancock.
In lieu of flowers a memorial has been established to the family or to Community Regular Baptist Church in Bussey.

My mom compressed down to 192 words – I want to scream and cry that she was so much more than those words…how she had a heart whose capacity for love knew no bounds, she loved the unlovable – cared for those who could not or would not care for themselves. My mom gave all she had, she suffered so others didn’t have to. She taught me so much – how to take care of a house and make it a home. How to take a little bit of food and make it a wonderful meal – her knowledge was boundless even though she would laughingly say she wasn’t the smartest person on the planet.

I can’t say I didn’t have disagreements with my mom – I did. We aren’t a stepford family - just a normal one. I’ve spent the last week helping to make arrangements, attended a service, hugged over a hundred people, made small talk and agreed with everyone that “yes it’s good she’s not suffering anymore” But in my heart I know I’m selfish – I want her back…I want to laugh with her, cry with her, hug her, argue with her and just sit watching TV with her.

Jeff has meant so much to me this week – just silently being there for me – letting me be me, the me who had to go make funeral arrangements, pick out music, pick out flowers, help write an obituary. I don’t think I could do all this without his support behind me. My children adding their support in to help. I love them all so much and hope I give them as much as they give me. My friends sending me their messages of love and support. I want to hold and thank them all.

Watching my dad this week has been heartbreaking – my parents had 46 years together – at their 40th anniversary they had their church wedding – they did this at 40 because my mom didn’t think she would make it to 50. I guess she was right……….. But Dad has been strong holding himself together most of the time. He had his moments but then so did we all. The worst moment for me was during a video that was made of mom and dad for their wedding – Mom and I recorded a song I had written for my dad during Desert Storm, we (dad and I) didn’t realize that this had been added to the original video. So while watching pictures of my parent’s lives drift across the screen out of nowhere my mom’s voice blended with mine in song. My dad looked at me and I realized what I was hearing - That was my worst moment so far – I’m sure there will be a lot of worst moments moving forward but that one was bad.


Good night mom – I love you.

The Next Place

I read this book in the chapel of the hospital while we were visiting with my mom. The pictures in the book were beautiful, but the sentiment is what really touched me. I think everyone should own a copy of this book.




The Next Place By Warren Hanson



The next place that I go

Will be as peaceful and familiar

As a sleepy summer Sunday

And a sweet, untroubled mind.

And yet . . .

It won't be anything like any place I've ever been. . .

Or seen. . . or even dreamed of

In the place I leave behind.

I won't know where I'm going,

And I won't know where I've been

As I tumble through the always

And look back toward the when.

I'll glide beyond the rainbows.

I'll drift above the sky.

I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.

I won't remember getting there.

Somehow I'll just arrive.

But I'll know that I belong there

And will feel much more alive

Than I have ever felt before.

I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto

That were holding onto me.

The next place that I go

Will be so quiet and so still

That the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill

The listening sky with joyful silence,

And with unheard harmonies

Of music made by no one playing,

Like a hush upon breeze.

There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light,

Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.

The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun

And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.

The next place that I go Won't really be a place at all.

There won't be any seasons --

Winter, summer, spring or fall --

Nor a Monday, Nor a Friday,

Nor December, Nor July.

And the seconds will be standing still. . .

While hours hurry by.

I will not be a boy or girl,

A woman or man.

I'll simply be just, simply, me.

No worse or better than.

My skin will not be dark or light.

I won't be fat or tall.

The body I once lived in

Won't be part of me at all.

I will finally be perfect.

I will be without a flaw.

I will never make one more mistake,

Or break the smallest law.

And the me that was impatient,

Or was angry, or unkind,

Will simply be a memory.

The me I left behind.

I will travel empty-handed.

There is not a single thing

I have collected in my life

That I would ever want to bring Except. . .

The love of those who loved me

,And the warmth of those who cared.

The happiness and memories

And magic that we shared.

Though I will know the joy of solitude. . .

I'll never be alone.

I'll be embraced

By all the family and friends I've ever known.

Although I might not see their faces,

All our hearts will beat as one,

And the circle of our spirits

Will shine brighter than the sun.

I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find,

All love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.

All these good things will go with me.

They will make my spirit glow.

And that light will shine forever In the next place that I go.

My Mom

I’m back to work today after a week visiting with my mother in the hospital. My mom has COPD and is in the last stages of the disease. My dad called me on Wednesday night that my mom was back in the hospital, just 3 weeks after she went home from her last hospital stay. On Thursday afternoon I received a call from my dad – the Dr. had told him it was time to call my sister and me. I could tell from the tone of his voice that things were not good. My mom was told by the doctor that diagnosed her COPD that she had 5 years left – this was 6 years ago, so everyday is a borrowed day.

Dad told me that the doctors had been working on mom all day – she was in ICU and wasn’t expected to make it. So I rented a car and my sister, niece, and I started a fast as possible 24 hour drive to Iowa. Our biggest fear after speaking with dad was that we wouldn’t be in time. (I had just seen my mom in August when I went up for a quick vacation – but my sister and niece hadn’t seen her in a year.)

At some point while the doctors were working on mom she finally was coherent enough for the doctor to explain what was going on and my mom asked “Am I dying?” Dr. Robin answered “yes”. So Mom looked at her and asked “Today?” and the answer was “Possibly” to which my mom responded “I’m not ready to go yet.” So in my mom’s stubborn fashion – she didn’t go. In fact, after hearing that we were on our way up – she started improving.

We got in about 12:30AM Friday night/Saturday morning – and immediately went to sleep. By the time we got to see her on Saturday morning she was doing much better. They had moved her back to her own room, and was very glad to see us. Mom felt guilty that we had wasted our trip to Iowa since she was feeling better and was going to get to go home – to which I informed her that she can NOT feel guilty for NOT DYING! The trip was in no way a waste of our time.

Jeffrey (my oldest) and Cameron (my youngest) arrived on Monday night and we all spend Tuesday morning with mom. Jeffrey is staying up there as he needed a change from Tampa and was planning a move anyway. Cameron came back with us on Tuesday – he didn’t get to see mom for a long time but it was really great that she got to see him at all. We had to leave to return the rental car but none of us really wanted to go. We took pictures and said good-byes and the question in the air was would this be our last good-bye.

The drive home was fairly uneventful – we all had to fold ourselves into the car, because it wasn’t a very big car and there were four of us to get home. The last 200 miles I cried most of the way and have pretty much been crying off and on since then. Every little thing sets me off…

They moved mom into their rehab area called Skilled Care for physical and respiratory therapy for approximately a week before they allow her to go home. After that it’s a guessing game – hopefully she goes home and is able to stay well for a while --- a long while. But we all know that things are going to happen and none of us are ready for them when they do.

On the plus side and there were a couple – I was able to have a conversation with both of my parents about their end of life wishes….which no matter how many times I had tried to have the conversation before neither of them wanted to talk about it. My mom got to see her brother who came to visit her in the hospital and I was able to see my brother and one of my best friends.

Right now all I can do is try to go on with the day to day, call the hospital and check on her progress, and hope that she knows just how much I love her.

What can I say?

I went home to visit my parents and my daughter who is there for the summer break a couple weeks ago - nice flight, horrible layovers. It was a wonderful visit and I got to see one of my best friends - going all the way to 5th grade.

2 days after I got home, my mother ended up in the hospital. Mom has COPD and congestive heart failure. So any illness hits her hard...this is what they found when they got her to the hospital:

Severe pneumonia in both lungs
Heart enzymes were elevated
EKG showed chronic changes to heart
Anemic
Low Blood Pressure
Blood Oxygen level was 65 (should be 95-100)
Dehydrated
Changes to kidney functions
Urinary infection (they think from the dehydration)

She finally came home from the hospital yesterday - and she sounds much better than she did. She gave us a really big scare and we all know this may be the beginning of a lot of scares. As the Dr. told me - a lot depends on how she does over the next few weeks. I wanted to try and arrange to go up there and work remotely for a few months just to be there to help with things.

So I talked to my boss and she talked to her boss and he turned her down. I didn’t get a reason – but needless to say I’m more than a little upset – I’ve completely revamped the way billing is done here by moving all the processes into sharepoint speeding the process up measurably – am currently working the integration of our latest acquisition and moving their processes in to our system – and also utilized my purchasing / IT knowledge for the upgrade of the departments computers. All of this in 6 months and for crap money. What I’m supposed to be happy for – is that they will let me take an unpaid leave AFTER I train a temp to do my job of course. UNPAID! So they would rather pay a temp to do the job than set a precedence or whatever the reasoning. What can you say though about a company that makes their money from outsourcing...?

So needless to say I am weighing my options – as quickly as possible.

Iowa visit and my mom...

I went home to Iowa to visit for a couple of days last week. I really wanted to see my parents (it's been over a year since I've seen them) and as a bonus my daughter was there from college.

It was a great visit even though it was short - I was able to see one of my eternal best friends, we go back as far as elementary school. But I could tell my mom wasn't feeling well. Mom has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7, a couple days into the visit we discovered that she wasn't getting much airflow from the machine - they changed out something and she was feeling better.

HOWEVER - yesterday they put her in the hospital...pneumonia in both lungs, along with a host of other ailments. How did I find out this news? I found out because my sister saw an update on my daughter's FaceBook page... FACEBOOK!!!

How do you explain that if you live 1200 miles away you feel helpless enough without things like this? And I don't buy the "we didn't want to worry you" argument...it's not fair and not right.

Sigh...I can't yell at her - she's sick...

I have one of these....

So I got called into my bosses office the other day...I've been working on our departments SharePoint site to streamline and revamp our billing process. Making it simpler and quicker for all involved. My company recently acquired it's largest competitor so the two billing managers were meeting. So my boss calls me into her office to meet him and get initial requirements for moving them into our site for billing.

After about 15 minutes of what back and forth - what information is already there...what information he would like to see, etc. He looks at my boss and tells her "I have one of these too - her name is Linda". ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am now "one of these" property? What year is it...? It's like saying " I have a girl who does that for me. " OMG so pissed off about it. If I never see him again it will be too soon - but I'm sure I'll be meeting with him more to finalize this process. SIGH.

On the positive side - I got some really good news from my Sprinkly friend. And it makes up for anything bad this whole month.

:)

Gee Y N?

Reposted from WTF Now?

Some people reading this may know that I've been having a lot of issues...I have "female" issues (see how I travel back to the '50s to talk about this) that are contributing to my anemia problems. At least that is that they believe is causing the problems. So I got an injection last week that is to stop my cycles for 3 months in order to help me prolong the time between now and when I will need surgery. I also had to have a biopsy in order to rule out any cancer or else the surgery could not be postponed. The biggest reason I need to postpone surgery is that after being laid off for over a year I am finally working but do not have any sick time or FMLA to protect my job or my income. Nice catch-22 for me.

Okay so here is the breakdown of how my Dr. visit went on Monday:

I tried to tell dr that i was still VERY BAD (things I don't want to spell out - pretty sure you can figure this out on your own) and they may want to rethink doing the exam and was told that it's no problem...just a day in the life at the GYN...

"we have these little pads to put beneath you" hahahahahaha

then when she saw how bad it was - "oh your life isn't fun is it?" NO SH!T “Lindsay can you get me some more pads?” and once more “Lindsay can you get me about 4 more pads?”

"how long has it been this way?" - since april 12th - "really - for 30 days?" - yes thats what I said - "for 30 DAYS?" - yes - "don't you feel weak" - HELL YES I FEEL WEAK but what are you gonna do?

so now she isn't sure she got enough material (i can't say tissue - it's yucky) MATERIAL to actually do the biopsy

After the exam the Dr wanted to run some more blood tests - thyroid and iron count - when her PA was taking blood the conversation went like this... "wow that's some crazy amount your bleeding, I don't know how you do it" so I asked her what was my alternative? things have to be done I can't just curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day no matter how much I want to



So just waiting to get the results of all the tests



- THEN IEZZI'S (my GP) OFFICE CALLED

I went for blood tests about 2 weeks ago and i have been trying to get the results of that test - well now they want me to go for more blood tests - one of the tests ordered wasn't done - and THEN we'll make an office appointment for you to come in and go over them. UHHMMM no I think I'll deal with my GYN for now thank you very much....

worries...

Worried today about someone special to me. They are going through a rough time and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Crossing fingers, knocking wood, praying, none of these will change what has happened. I'm here if you need me.

There but for the Grace of God...

Reposted from WTF Now?

I was greated on Facebook yesterday by a link from my cousin to a newspaper article about a guy I knew in high school. Bob Zellmer was a little older than me - but then a lot of my friends were older than me back then. (Funny that they are mostly all younger than me now.) Bob left this world earlier this month at the age of 50. In high school I remember him as always smiling...him and his brothers always had a little bit of a reputation then, but when you live in small town middle America all teenage kids have a reputation. He always had friends around him and everyone talked about what a great singer he was.

I haven't seen him in years, probably since I moved away from that small town. But like everything in you childhood things from then aren't supposed to change. A happy go lucky guy from high school is not supposed to die addicted and homeless. These are not things that should happen.

Even though Bob was homeless himself and dealing with addictions - he spent his time trying to help other homeless people have shelter - a place to get out of the weather. I guess that's what living in my small town did for all of us - everyone I know from there would give you the shirt off of their back...something that is sadly lacking these days. I don't know what happened in Bob's life but I do know that it only takes one small thing and you're on a path that is hard to change. I also know that I appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life. I have a roof over my head - friends and family that love me - and that's enough...no matter how much I bitch that it's not.

Rest in Peace Builder Bob - You will be missed more than you know.

Monday again

Back at work on a very rainy Monday...this will probably be a short post, but trying to keep a promise to myself to actually spend some time writing.

Saturday night we went to see Cameron play at the Brass Mug. The guys just get better and better every time they play out. They are heading into the studio next month to record a demo CD. Cross your fingers!



Sunday was spent relaxing and catching up on the Gene Simmons Family Jewels marathon. I stopped watching it a year ago when they did the whole facelift thing - didn't want to spend my time watching people in pain. But caught up with them now and still find I really like them as people. I know it's a reality show and what you see isn't necessarily "REAL" but still it's nice to see them.

Woke up this morning about 2AM with my back complaining...the rain moving in just does not agree with me. Oh well what can you do?

And now back to work...

Wednesday?

So yesterday finished...dealt with the yucky flavored coffee and went home - read until bed time while Jeff worked on his computer. He usually works on Tuesday nights and last night was no exception. He was also downloading pics of classic pinball machines. It is amazing some of the artists who painted the originals, also what great shape some of the old machines are really in.

Today has started fairly uneventful - working, IM'ing with some friends. Have disturbing e-mail from my sis on nephews health. Hoping he gets back on track quickly.

It's almost 11AM and I'm exhausted - really hope the anemia gets over quickly...I'm not used to being so drained all the time...just want to feel normal.

...whatever that is.

Tuesday

Reposting from WTF Now?

Tuesdays appear to not be such a good day for me... While trying to help Jeff find his cell phone this morning I totally forgot to grab my badge to get into my office. When I asked what do I do about it - senior rep tells me that it's a huge hassle to get visitor badge so just borrow hers or co-worker#2's badge. (Co-worker #1 has morning off). OH YEAH - did I mention that I need this badge to actually get back in office from the restroom? So every tinkle time I will now need to borrow a badge from one of co-workers to get back in.

This information was quickly followed by the next set of events:
1. I got an e-mail from a client asking for backup to an invoice...which I had already provided the information I received through e-mail
2. I ask sr. rep about it and co-worker #2 gets involved informing me that I should have sent the scanned file also.
3. What scanned file? (WTF?)
4. It seems that while yes I sent the documents I had been e-mailed the account manager also interofficed a bunch of paperwork which i didn't know needed to be scanned and e-mailed to client. (because notes from previous person were unclear - gee guess who was the previous person?)
5. Co-worker #2 gets all preachy about it being in the notes and walks away
6. Sr. Rep agrees with me that the notes are not clear so I update them for whoever the next billing rep is that gets this account.
7. Co-worker #2 all sullen and biotchy...(did you remember that I'm supposed to be borrowing her badge today for the restroom breaks?)

So all quiet in office this morning as the only ones really speaking are me and Sr. Rep...and that's only when necessary for work (no tension there just both work focused).

And then the final WTF moment... it appears we are all out of regular coffee in the breakroom...and the only flavor available is GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE!!! ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

And it's only 11:00AM...sigh

issues

Really trying to hold things together today - seems everyone around me having issues. Hope this is the residual 2009 pendulum swing for 2010 and things get be better.

what?

What does not kill us makes us stonger...I must be one of the stongest people on the planet.